


It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

by cherrysprite



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, College, Drinking to Cope, Friendship, Getting Back Together, Healing, Heartbreak, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Liam Dunbar/Brett Talbot, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-Break Up, Theo Raeken-centric, There's probably like 90 percent angst in this, but not really, it's a lot of angst, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-26 14:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20028304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrysprite/pseuds/cherrysprite
Summary: The first "i miss you" text comes through, and it's enough to send eight months of sadness tumbling down.Or: Theo is heartbroken because of his own screw-up and he knows he can't fix it.





	It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

"You do know you're not supposed to park on the grass, right?"

The first thing Theo heard when he walked into his frat house for his third year of college was a complaint, which really set the mood for what it would be like that year. He was already pissed off and he wanted to be back home with his aunt and uncle, so as soon as Brett says the words, he just hits him with an eyeroll and gets his boxes hauled up the stairs without another word. "Okay, or you can just leave it..." He heard Brett sigh. "But Jordan won't be happy about it."

Theo couldn't really bring himself to care what Brett has to say about Jordan, the leader of the group they have going, as he unpacked some of his things. Jordan was a lot nicer than Brett was, and probably wouldn't say anything about his truck parked on the lawn until it started to make a dead spot. He'd move it before then. 

His room was the same one as always, the blue wall paint chipped a little from the time Josh threw a basketball at him that he failed to catch, and the window with evidence of being opened a little too hard. That one got him in some hot water with Jordan, but Theo just remembered that conversation and chuckled dryly. Things had been so simple back then.

"Theo!" Speak of the devil. "You're here! We're just waiting for Corey and Nolan to get here, and then we'll have all the originals!"

Theo gave him a trying smile and stands up from where he sat on his mattress to give Jordan a hug. "Oh- uh- okay," Jordan laughed as he wrapped his arms around him, letting Theo hug him. His expression of surprise softened as Theo let out a sigh of relief. "That bad, huh?"

Theo didn't answer and just nodded against Jordan's chest, the officer-in-training being so much bigger than him and the perfect hugging height. He was the only one who knew about what happened, and ever since it had all gone to shit, he was the one there for him who knew all the details. "Damn. I would have thought summer would perk you up a little."

"Yeah, me too," Theo admitted, pulling away and shaking himself off. "Guess no amount of sun really helped. It's good to see you, though. We getting any new guys this year?"

"Just a couple of freshmen," Jordan said with a smirk. "Try not to humiliate them too much this year. I know that Sean was about ready to kill me after I told him there was no hazing."

"Okay, fine," Theo groaned exaggeratedly, shaking his head. "Not even a little?"

Jordan paused in the doorway, looked back, and grinned. "Just a little. If it makes you feel better, you can haze me a little bit."

"First of all, that's not hazing, and it's not fun when you're expecting it!" Theo listened to Jordan's laughter as he disappeared down the hallway, leaving Theo with a fading grin and more boxes to unpack. 

As Theo unpacked all of his things, he couldn't help but think about how nice it would be to get a little bit of help with it all, and not from his frat brothers, either. He sighed as he put his shirts in a drawer, feeling fortunate that he still had enough to bring, since all of the others seemed to remind him of something he'd rather not think about. He smoothed them down in the small drawer, shutting it and leaning back on his hands on his mattress.

The two years before, he had been excited to get back to the house. It was a lot more fun than living in the stuffy house where everything vaguely smelled of cat pee and the curfew was ten-thirty (for a fully-grown adult!) but Theo wasn't exactly equipped with the right things to get excited. 

He stayed up in his room until Corey and Nolan finally showed up, giving him plenty of time to just chill out on his bed and listen to music, but as soon as all of the originals were there he had to get downstairs. They only had two days before the freshmen would come in, and they were planning on enjoying it as much as possible before they would have to get used to a few more guys in the building. Everyone was playing foosball and sitting around the large TV when he got down, the guys all meeting him with shouts of excitement.

Even as Theo was pulled into a huge bro-hug that he secretly would have loved, he stayed mostly quiet throughout the night. Brett, Nolan, Corey, Josh, and Jordan all caught up on what happened over the summer, Brett telling the guys all about his newest and most impressive conquests and Corey gushing about the guy he'd met at the beach, all while Theo stayed on the outside, smiling and nodding when eyes were on him. He couldn't exactly tell them all about how his summer had gone.

"His name is Mason, and his friend was there with him, actually. Liam something."

Theo felt his heart clench in his chest and he instinctively rubbed his palm over it as if he's been burned. Jordan glanced over at him with concern while the rest of the guys sip their beers and listen to what Corey is saying, and Theo wanted to throw up. 

He might not have even be talking about the Liam he knew, but the sound of his name still made the backs of his eyes prick and he felt like he needed to blink something away. Corey went on about how cute Mason is and how he taught him how to swim, but all Theo could think about was Liam.

Jordan put a hand on his shoulder when he saw Theo staring at the floor, and Theo knew at that point that he was being way too obvious, so he shook himself off and put himself back together. He smiled again, and nodded along. Anything to keep his head above water.

__

"Hey, we need to go for a liquor run," One of the freshman, a guy named Alec, said, tapping on Theo's doorway. The junior rolled his eyes to himself so that Alec can't see it, wondering why he didn't close his door, and got up. He only went because Brett was standing near Alec like he was expecting Theo to say no, daring him, even, but Theo doesn't break under Brett's douchebaggery and decided to spite him and just go along with it.

He was the only one with an actual ID since he turned twenty-one over the summer, everyone else except for Jordan being younger, meaning Theo was their only legal(ish) hope of getting buzzed. "Alright," Theo sighed, throwing on a jacket that was sitting on his dresser and motioning for the two to follow him.

He found himself with Nolan, Alec, Corey, and Brett all in his car, Alec uncomfortably smashed in the middle seat in the back between Nolan and Brett, all wanting to put in their five cents about what to buy. Theo told Alec that if he gets in trouble, he's never buying him alcohol again, and the freshman just scoffed as if he's kidding.

Just like it had been the past couple of weeks, Theo seemed to ghost through the aisles of the liquor store, the one across town that he hadn't been using his fake ID at for the past four years. The other four were all looking at bottles of cheap hard liquor, but Theo couldn't care less about what they choose as long as there's enough to spare for later. He ran his hands along glass bottles in the aisle full of vodka, and he paused on one brand of orange flavored vodka. Orange vodka reminded him of Liam, just because of the way he'd spit it across his lap the first time the younger guy had tried it.

He smiled sadly at the memory for a second before moving on, since Brett started to call him from a different aisle.

There was a bottle of Smirnoff and one of Bacardi in the red basket Nolan was holding, but Brett didn't call him over to verify their first picks. He was standing near a brunette, who was tucking her hair behind her ears in the way they all did when Brett decided to throw a little charm on them. He must be there for Brett to brag to him about her. "Ah, here he is!" He exclaimed instead, all his attention suddenly focused on Theo. "This is my friend Theo. Theo, this is Tracy, she's also into biology."

Tracy looked at him awkwardly and gives him a smile, and she was pretty, but Theo can't help but be a little annoyed at Brett for not talking about this with him first. He should have known that ever since Brett found out that he'd broken up with someone that no public outing would go over safely, and Tracy was exhibit _A_. Brett looked at them both expectantly as if he wanted to see literal sparks start flying, but he jumped in when the small talk started to turn into little murmurs. 

"So, Theo, you don't have a date to that party that's happening on Friday, do you?" He asked way too emphatically, making Tracy raise her eyebrows. "Well, it just so happens that Tracy doesn't have one either."

And since Theo didn't want to be rude and make Tracy think she wasn't enough, he didn't punch Brett in the gut like he wanted to and instead turned to her with question in his eyes. Tracy rocked back and forth on her heels before shrugging and nodding at the same time, looking thoroughly uncomfortable with the whole thing but obviously having noticed that going along with what Brett says is easier. 

The other guys leave them alone and Tracy sighs with relief. "Do you want to go to the party? As my date?" She asked only a little hesitantly, and Theo swallowed back his nerves.

"I-" He started. _Liam isn't coming back,_ a little voice started reminding as he's about to decline and apologize, but he took another deep breath. "Sure. I'll pick you up at eight?" He asked, giving her his phone to put her number into it.

"Okay, cool, but it's at my house anyway, so you don't have to worry. I'll text you the address." Theo couldn't help but think that she looked a little apologetic, but then again, he probably did too. They both shook it off and looked on the bright side, walking out of the shop to go to seperate cars. 

Theo stalled in the parking lot until the guys were ready for him to use his ID for them, his head resting against his steering wheel. 

This party has to go well, he told himself as a goal before he lets out a breath that sounds more like a cry, but no tears fell. He wouldn't let them.

Brett hyped him up as he got back in the car, blatantly ignoring that Theo looked about as pissed off as he should be when someone randomly sets you up with a stranger. "She's hot, Theo! What's the problem?" He scoffed from the backseat, holding the bag full of dangerous amounts of liquor. Corey rolled his eyes and gave Theo a knowing look, both of them used to Brett's stupidity.

The lacrosse player didn't stop talking about the party Tracy had "invited" Theo to to all of the guys in the house, conveniently leaving out the parts where he basically forced her to ask and all the times when Theo said he didn't want to go. Jordan looked at him questioningly once again and all Theo could do then was shrug and put on another fake smile.

All the guys took seperate cars to the party, except for Jordan, who chose to be the responsible one and be the driver for anyone who needed to call him. Theo bet that Brett and Josh would be the first ones to call for a ride. Brett had punched him in the arm when he said that, but didn't deny it.

Tracy was waiting inside when he got there, putting out bottles of beer and moving furniture around, and she gave a polite smile when she saw him. Theo walked over and nodded, knowing that he was already screwing things up, but not doing much to fix it.

The party went on with the two of them mostly keeping to themselves in one corner, sipping on drinks and bopping their heads to the music. Theo found that there wasn't a ton he could say to Tracy when he thought about it; he'd felt so drained of everything that he wasn't even sure if he had any interests left to share. Tracy talked a little about biology, which wasn't her major like it was Theo's, and Theo dipped into some of his classes, like great party conversation should be, about _school_ of all things. 

Some of Tracy's friends came up to them throughout the night and tried to pull them out on the dance floor, the both of them staying firmly rooted to their spot on the floor, or congratulate her on getting such a hot date. She laughed and nodded, but Theo could tell that it was kind of fake. He supposed they both were going through something.

They were a little too far into their drinks to be sober when they started to go silent, just looking out over everyone dancing without even trying to make small talk anymore. Theo tapped his fingers on his thigh and chewed on his bottom lip, and he willed himself not to look for the time so he didn't seem rude. 

Tracy breathed out like she had just come to a thought-out decision. "...Do you want to go upstairs?" Tracy said simply, raising her eyebrows in question and giving a hopeful smirk. Theo looked at her with surprise, but just nodded.

Every footfall up the stairs was muted with his running thoughts, and when he pulled off his shirt, he almost grimaced at how out of practice he was with all of it. Tracy didn't seem to care and just laid on the bed and waited patiently.

His sights were more focused on a poster of some band above Tracy's bed as they started to move, Tracy holding onto his arms as he held himself up overtop of her. _This isn't right, _something said as sweat dripped down, _this isn't right, this isn't who you need._

_This isn't right!_

"Oh, fuck, Theo-"

_This isn't-_

_"Liam-!"_

Theo stilled. Tracy's eyes shot open. 

"Um-"

"Jesus Christ," Theo gasped out, face turning dark red as he sat up and got away. "Fuck, I'm so, so sorry-"

"Hey, it's okay," Tracy said gently but shakily, pulling her shirt back on, and Theo was too busy covering his face with his hands to be surprised she wasn't yelling at him like he expected her to. "Really, it's fine."

"No, it's not, this is so-" Theo sighed, rubbing his hands down to his neck and scratching the back of his head as he sat on the edge of the mattress. He grabbed his pants off the floor and hastily put them back on. "I swear it's not you. You seem really nice, and you're really pretty, but I-"

"I understand," Tracy said, coming to sit next to him once she was dressed again. She pulled her messed up hair back into a ponytail and rested a hand on his shoulder, and Theo was surprised to feel that she was comforting in a way. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm trying to get over someone too, since I'm assuming that's what this is about."

Theo nodded and rested his head in his hands, his elbows on his knees. "I probably should have been honest about that."

Tracy shrugged and laughed softly. "It's okay. I could kind of tell you didn't want to go out with me, and to be honest...I didn't either. Your friend is kind of odd."

Theo scoffed. "Odd is one word. I just call him a douchebag. He means well, though," Theo explained, and Tracy laughed a little more. "Sorry I fucked things up."

"Really," Tracy assured. "You don't have to be sorry. We can go back downstairs if you want, or we could wait a little bit. But if you ever want to talk...you know what number to call, even if it's not for what Brett thought it was."

Theo gave her a small grin and she patted his shoulder again, leaning back on the bed and grabbing the TV remote off her bedside table. "You want to watch Parks and Recreation? That's my feel-good show. I was never really into parties, anyway."

"Never seen it," Theo said, but nodded anyway, settling in next to her on the bed. Tracy widened her eyes.

"Well, we have to fix that. One episode and you won't want to stop, I promise."

Theo smiled and looked at the screen, the embarrassment fading away little by little with each minute that passed. She offered him a bottle of juice that she kept in the mini fridge on the other side of the room, and he took it gratefully with a smile. 

The last thing he heard from her that night was a "see you on Wednesday," because this time when they made plans to hang out, they both actually wanted to go.

__

"You're kidding me, right? Their best album was not their original," Theo argued as they walked out of a cafe across the street from the campus entrance, holding his bright yellow smoothie and a piece of bakery bread. Tracy looked at him like he was insane and bit into the muffin she bought.

"Oh, yeah, you're probably one of the fans who thinks their most recent album is the best one," She scoffed around her muffin, laughing at how ridiculous she sounded but keeping her argument going. Theo threw up his hands, almost spilling his smoothie.

"You're the one who got me into them in the first place, I was barely a fan until three weeks ago!" 

"Because the poster above my bed was that much more interesting than me, I know!"

Theo put a hand over his heart and feigned offense. "Oh, you went there!" He gasped, causing his friend to break out into contagious laughter. 

He and Tracy had been hanging out a lot in the past couple of weeks, and they were becoming each other's go-to when they wanted some company. Tracy got him into her favorite bands and Theo showed her some of his favorite shows, so now they watched more than just Parks and Rec when they had nothing better to do and listened to other things that weren't Arctic Monkeys when they were in the car. She didn't really know who Liam was or what the extent of their relationship had been like, and Theo wasn't sure what happened with Tracy and her own ex, but they both knew when the other was missing their once other-half and knew exactly how to pick the other up.

Ever since the party that Friday night at Tracy's sorority house, Brett had just kind of assumed that he and Tracy were together, and while Theo never confirmed it, he didn't deny it either. He had gotten pretty tired of having to lie about why he was upset. Calling Liam "Leah" to keep himself in the closet wasn't exactly fun, so now that Brett had quit asking, he had a better time in the house. Tracy didn't have a problem with their unofficial arrangement either; she was using to her advantage as well with the other girls in her house.

Now they were walking back over to Theo's place to hang out a little more, probably pretend they were up in his room doing way less innocent things than watching TV and eat some of the snacks Theo always stashed. "When we get there, I'm turning on the recent album and you can't stop me."

"It's not that I hate _An Inquiry,_ I just don't prefer it. The opening track threw the whole series off course."

"Well, maybe you should take me to a concert and I'll get the 'full-experience' you're always preaching about," Theo grumbled, elbowing her in the side and making her laugh when she very closely avoided dropping everything in her arms, which included her phone. If there was one thing everyone knew about Tracy, it was that she laughed very loudly but not annoyingly, drawing the attention of the people around them.

A few people turned to look at them as Tracy chuckled, picking her things up, and Theo glanced around at everyone as he helped before he froze up entirely.

Two blue eyes looked at him for a brief second and then flicked back to the ground as he walked, and Theo suddenly couldn't breathe. _His hair had grown out so much_... "Theo?"

He knew those eyes anywhere, and it made something in the pit of his stomach hurt. "Theo, you okay?"

Theo snapped out of his daze when he remembered where he was, Tracy looking at him with all traces of amusement gone off her face. "Sorry," Theo mumbled, clearing his throat but not looking away from where he could see Liam walking off. 

Tracy's eyes followed his gaze and she stopped dead. "Is that him?" She asked quietly, waiting for Theo to get up from where he was still kneeling on the ground. "Liam?"

Theo nodded silently and got up. "I haven't seen him since..." He swallowed. "Since around June. I knew he still went here, but..."

Tracy grabbed her things back from Theo's arms and they started back off to Theo's house. He sipped at his smoothie that he didn't really want anymore as Tracy looked at him sympathetically, but they waited until they were in Theo's room until they spoke again.

She turned on a TV show to cut the tension but left it at a low volume, knowing Theo wanted to let something out by the way he perched uncomfortably on the edge of his bed instead of laying down. "Theo..." She said, coming to sit next to him. "Talk to me."

Theo looked down at his hands. He had been so _happy_ the past few weeks while Tracy helped him forget about Liam, but the sight of those baby blues sent him right back down into a spiral. It made the empty feeling return to his stomach and he couldn't see a way out anymore, even with his newfound best friend there for him. "What happened between you two?"

Theo's eyelids felt heavy, but he didn't cry as he pictured Liam the first time they met. Just like him and Tracy, Liam had never really been one for parties, so when they met at one, they were both huddled in the same corner trying to snag some chips and avoid a drunk girl who was yelling at everyone. They hit it off pretty quickly, and Theo sighed when he remembered it. "He was...before Liam, I had never fallen in love before. He was literally the definition of perfection to me at first, and every day was like a dream when I was around him. He made me feel like I was drowning when I wasn't around him." Theo choked on his words. "I've been, uh, drowning for quite a while now."

"What was he like?" Tracy asked patiently, and Theo grinned a little, though it hurt. 

"He has kind of dark humor, but he doesn't always understand it when it comes from someone else. We got into a couple little spats when he couldn't tell if I were serious or not about something," He recalled with a chuckle. "He played lacrosse for the school team, and he was a star player in high school. He was always just so focused on it, it was cute to see him get so riled up." Tracy smiled at the thought. "And I don't know, he brought out a side of me I didn't think I had. A softer side, I guess."

"He does sound nice," She said quietly, now looking down at her own hands as Theo toyed with his. "What...what happened?"

Theo's tiny smile fell. "Liam had IED. He got really mad over little things, and he sometimes had trouble controlling it because he didn't take his medication the way he was supposed to, and I...I said some things about it when I got mad that I couldn't take back, and we got into a fight over it, and that was the nail in the coffin for us. It had always been a weak spot for him, and I...I-I hit him right where it hurt, right where I swore to myself when I found out that I'd never go near."

Tracy patted his back as he blinked away the heaviness he felt on his eyelashes, glad that nothing was falling. "We broke up that night, and the last time we really talked to each other was when we returned each other's things. That was around the end of June after exams were over and we were packing up to go back home."

"And this year's your first one without him?" She asked knowingly, and Theo nodded. "It's...the same story for me. Hayden and I were good for a long time, and I honestly thought I'd found the one I would marry one day," She sighed. "I still love her." Tracy laughed a little bit at the look of surprise on Theo's face. "Her family didn't like that she was a lesbian, so we broke it off. It was too much stress on her."

"But you still love her," Theo said more than asked, looking at her seriously.

"Yeah." She nodded solemnly, a sad smile on her lips. "And you still love Liam?"

Theo swallowed again and nodded. "I wish I didn't sometimes, but he's the best thing I've ever had."

That night, Tracy slept over with her head on Theo's shoulder, falling asleep while watching old eighty's movies after showing each other the pictures they had with their exes that they couldn't bring themselves to delete.

There were tears in Theo's eyes that night as he imagined what would happen if Liam didn't walk away and Theo didn't let him go when they saw each other outside the cafe, but he fell asleep with them tucked away under his eyelids. He was determined not to let himself cry over Liam Dunbar again. He had done it too much already, and he only had himself to blame.

__

"Tracy, please, I'm actually begging you," Theo whined, whined at Tracy's feet, but no matter how amused Tracy was about seeing the taller guy on his knees in front of her, she couldn't say yes. "I really don't want to be alone during this crap, please, please, please..."

The thing Theo was whining about happened to be held in his frat house, courtesy of Brett once again not asking everyone if they were okay with it before scheduling a quote "small gathering." Theo knew how "small gatherings" went; they had around a hundred people and it ultimately ended in property damage. Theo honestly didn't know how Jordan put up with him sometimes. "I'm sorry," Tracy sighed, yanking on the sleeve of Theo's sweater to pull him back up to his feet. He looked ridiculous, all sad while wearing a backwards cap and a pout. "As much as I would love to spend my Friday night in a house full of sweaty underage drinkers, I have a test on Monday that I really need to cram for."

"But I'll be there! And I'm not underage!" Theo floundered, but he already gave up. Tracy gave him a roll of her eyes and he deflated. "Okay, fine. I'll just hang out with Jordan, I guess."

"You could always join me," Tracy suggested, but Theo shrugged and shook his head.

"Nah. If I'm not there I'll get a bunch of questions about it. Hey, have I mentioned lately that I'm tired of living there?" Tracy snorted at his last remark and shook her head sarcastically. "Well, I am. I'm tired of it. Once this year is over, I might spend my last one commuting or in a dorm. Maybe I'll save up for my own apartment."

"Hey, this too shall pass," She said, making sure to make it sound exaggeratingly poetic. Theo smirked. "I'll see you later. I'll probably end up procrastinating a little so you can text me."

Tracy walked off and Theo sighed, walking up to his house to help set up for the party he didn't even want to have.

He sat down on the couch, and the guys didn't bother telling him to move before they picked it up to move it closer to the wall. He was content to sit with his beer and help when he was needed, until Brett came and sat down next to him. "You ready for tonight?" He asked, already seemingly a little out of it. Theo rolled his eyes since Brett would just ignore it or not notice. 

"As I'll ever be!" He said, fake-excitedly, and Brett grinned. 

"Good. Is your girl coming? It's been so cool seeing you happy again after Leah."

The beer in Theo's throat felt like it stood still at the mention of Liam's alias, and his eyes dropped down to his lap. "Yeah," He choked out once he figured out how to breathe again. The emptiness was back in his gut and he regretted drinking so early. "I had kind of forgotten about her."

A lie, of course, because every time he looked at the cafe he remembered seeing Liam again and whenever he shut his eyes his memories would drift automatically to the time they were together, but he couldn't let Brett know that. The younger guy wasn't one for monogamy anyway. It wasn't like he would understand if he tried to tell him. "Well, that's good. She sounded kind of crazy anyway."

Theo's fingers itched to break his bottle on the hardwood floor, but he settled for turning his knuckles white around the glass instead. "She wasn't-"

"Brett!" Josh called out, and Brett got up off the couch, not having heard Theo. Theo relaxed and wilted against the back of the couch, anger and discomfort filling his stomach.

Theo hated that word. Who couldn't hate the word _crazy_ or _explosive_ or _unstable_ when you'd held your boyfriend while he cried over them night after night until it was all too much?

They still made his stomach clench and the corners of his vision see red, because the thought of someone hurting Liam like that made him want to kill whoever did it, and it was even worse when the word _'explosive'_ had come out of his own mouth in a yell before Liam slammed his door behind him.

Theo almost shivered, but he felt Jordan's gaze on him from across the room and he managed to pull it together at the last minute. He got up instead and started putting out snacks and moving breakable things into drawers.

_

The party was going strong, the loud music pumping the flow of the bass through his veins and making Theo vibrate a little as people pushed around him. He was in a corner, as usual, but the place was still packed and he couldn't get away from anyone. He sipped another beer absentmindedly as he observed everything.

He had been talking to Corey, but he'd gotten roped into a game of foosball that had somehow ended up with Josh spread out on the countertop with guys and girls alike taking body shots, and Theo wasn't about to walk over and get involved in that. Taking a shot of vodka off of Josh's abs may have been tempting before, but it certainly wasn't now. He laughed lightly and shook his head to himself as one of the guys got a little more close and personal with Josh, looking away when things got a little too far to watch.

At one point, Brett had tried to get him out on the floor to dance, but Theo had declined and said that he wasn't feeling it that night. All he got in return was a scowl and a "you're never feeling it," but he didn't pay much attention. All it did was make the taste in the back of his throat a little more bitter, and it wasn't even because of the beer.

If Liam were there, he would have been right next to him, talking to the others but staying close so they were in their own little bubble at all times. It was nights like these that Theo missed Liam the most. He was always there for him. 

His eyes were starting to feel heavy again as he imagined his ex next to him, and he decided pretty quickly and all at one that he was done with the party. His bedroom door had a lock on it that was beckoning him with every heated kiss he had to witness from his classmates, and it didn't take long for him to finally snap and leave.

"Hey, where're you going?" Josh slurred as Theo started to make his retreat, pausing his groping of the slightly shorter blond guy he had with him. "The party's just getting started! You're welcome to join us, say hi to Garrett!"

"Hi, Garrett. I'm ending it, for me, at least. Don't come into my room."

He vaguely heard Josh's half-lucid explanation to the blond whose name Theo already forgot as he made his way upstairs, carrying his almost empty glass bottle with him. His king sized bed sounded so inviting right then, and he almost groaned thinking about what it was about to feel like to sink into it.

He was still thinking about his bed with the blue sheets and blue pillows when he felt the smooth brown bottle slip from his fingers onto the floor, at first not registering what he was hearing. Soft moans, ones he knew too well before he turned the corner into his hallway. The sound of Brett's voice, not even attempting to keep it low. 

The undeniable sound of 'Jesus Christ' with the voice crack that made Theo's heart split down the middle. 

But by then, he was standing in the hallway, helpless to watch while Brett had the love of his life pressed up against the wall, eyes shut while Brett bit and kissed at his neck in the way Theo knew he loved. Liam's hands roamed up and down Brett's back and his brow furrowed as his mouth fell open in a silent 'O,' and all Theo could think about was how it was once him who did that to him. "Liam," Brett growled into the soft skin of his neck, and Theo swallowed the bile rising in his throat. He was frozen.

Liam opened his eyes, half-lidded until they caught sight of Theo a few feet away and widening with a brief moment of shock and fear, giving Theo the momentum he needed to move his feet from the floor and desperately unlock his door. Liam watched him as he left, throwing himself into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him.

Theo at first sunk to the ground on the other side of his door, staring ahead at the wall, but his throat burned just as much as his eyes and he ran to his bathroom, tossing himself over the toilet and losing everything he'd drank in the past day and a half. His knuckles turned white around the toilet bowl before he leaned back and let his head hit the bathroom floor.

The ceiling had never looked so daunting to him before, but as his gaze was fixed up on it, Theo couldn't help but feel like even that was mocking him. 

If there was any doubt in his mind that he had really seen Liam that day in front of the cafe, it was gone as the image of Liam against the wall flashed through his mind. His vision swam with tears and he pressed his fists to his closed eyelids until he couldn't see or register anything at all, praying to pass out. Please let it all go away. 

In the back of his mind, he knew Liam wouldn't do this on purpose. He'd never brought Liam around the house in fear of him being teased by the other guys and getting scared away. There was no way Liam knew he lived there, or would be there in the first place. 

Liam was a good guy. He'd never intentionally break Theo's heart, but as Theo gasped for breath through choked back sobs, motive ceased to matter.

Theo leaned his head back against the wall after scrambling to get up, his chest heaving up and down without control. His hands shook against his knees as he felt the first tears start to stream, and at that point there was no stopping them.

He wouldn't have been able to hear it anyway, but Theo put his hands over his ears to stop from hearing the sounds coming from Brett's room. He fished his phone out of his pocket and went to his contacts, wondering if Tracy would pick up if he called.

She didn't. It was obvious, it was around two in the morning and she, as a sane person, was asleep. He turned the phone over in his hands and waited for his breath to come back to him, but it didn't. He heaved out labored breaths as he tried to catch any bit of air, but there was nothing.

It was as if all sound was muted when he clicked on the name he still had saved with a heart, trembling and hissing in air through his teeth. Liam hadn't been deleted from his phone. He couldn't bring himself to do it, not even after Jordan and Tracy tried to guide him through it. There were still pictures of him saved, texts from him to look at, and a phone number attached that he couldn't get rid of.

He wasn't even drunk when he put the phone up to his ear and started to talk through rough and strangled cries, his throat burning and constricting like he had been poisoned.

_

**{Beep}**

_You didn't pick up, thank god. Um, I, right now I'm calling because I knew you wouldn't pick up and I was really hoping you wouldn't, and I know that because you're having sex with my roommate and I'm on my bathroom floor only a little bit drunk, because I threw up everything, and Jesus, that sounds gross, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, fuck, I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I have to say it but I haven't yet and I need to, and I just really hope you don't think it's too late or bad because I'm...I'm a fucking mess.  
_

Desperate for air.

_I should have never said that word to you, or to anyone, and I just, I can't get you out of my head. Whenever I think of my bed I wish you were in it, and I...fuck, I wish I could hold you again and have what we used to. A-and I know that what I did was unforgivable and I haven't been able to do it myself, either, so just block my number or punch me or hit me or something so I know, but you needed to hear that I'm sorry._

Choked back screams.

_You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Liam, and I still love you. I'm always gonna love you, and I j-just, I can't think of a world without you. And I'm sorry for fucking everything. I-I'm sorry for not understanding you more and getting mad that night and calling you that, and I'm sorry that I never tried to reach out to you again, and that I didn't even tell you where I lived so you didn't have to see me tonight, because fuck, I know that hurt me, at least. And I'm sorry for this fucking phone call. _

Breath ragged.

_I'm sorry for causing you all this pain, and-_

**{Beep}**

Theo holds onto his stomach as he throws up what he has left, and his phone falls to the floor.

__

There was no trace of Liam ever being there when Theo woke up the next morning, still laying on the bathroom floor, nauseous but empty. His head was pounding but he got up anyway, not looking forward to his Saturday. 

Brett didn't say anything to him when he walked downstairs, not bragging about who he "bagged" the night before, and it made Theo's blood boil. He must have known who Liam was all along, or Liam had told him after the fact. He shut his eyes and shook his head as he walked away from where he was sitting at the kitchen counter, going out to the balcony off the top floor.

Jordan was sitting there eating some cereal, shirt off and looking at the bay that shined with the sunlight. "'Morning," Jordan said, not looking at Theo until he sat down across from him at the glass table and doing a double take. "Oh, you look like hell. I thought Josh said you turned in early."

Theo ignored him in favor of his phone that had seven new messages from Tracy. Liam stayed silent. He had checked to make sure his rambling voicemail hadn't been some kind of dream, and it still sat in his outgoing like the cinder block that was taking home in his stomach. He forgot about the one he sent to Tracy, which was a "call me back" that probably sounded wrecked.

_Tracy (6:17 AM) What?_  
_Tracy (6:17 AM) Are you ok??_  
_Tracy (7:00 AM) Come on Theo im worried._  
_Tracy (7:03 AM) Answer my calls?_  
_Tracy (7:21 AM) Please call me when you wake up or have someone do it for you, you're scaring me._  
_Tracy (8:04 AM) ????_  
_Tracy (8:32 AM) Do I need to call 911_

Theo sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, Jordan still looking at him concernedly as he picked up his phone to call her. She picked up right away, sounding panicked and angry at the same time. "Fucking hell, Theo! You scared the shit out of me!" She breathed exasperatedly, and Theo could groggily picture her brushing the hair out of her eyes. "What happened? Why were you crying?"

Jordan could hear everything Tracy had to say, and Theo decided then that since he would have ended up telling him anyway, he'd stay on the balcony. "Calm down, I'm okay." Jordan snorted, obviously unconvinced. "The party last night...I should have taken you up on the offer to study. That would have been a lot less traumatizing."

"Jesus, Theo..." She sighed. Jordan raised his eyebrow and put his spoon down, not hiding that he was listening. Theo swallowed and blinked a few times, his eyelids feeling heavy again. "Did you get into a fight?"

"No, but I should've," Theo laughed dryly. "I should have punched him in the face."

"Punched who in the face?" Both Tracy and Jordan asked at the same time. Theo ignored them.

"He's over me," Theo groaned, throwing his hands up in the air and keeping his eyes focused on the water. "I saw him last night again, and it was like everything inside me just turned to jelly, but not in the good 'butterflies in my stomach' kind of way. Like the 'I'm going to throw up or shoot myself in the head' type."

"What happened?" Tracy asked softly, and Theo rubbed the bridge of his nose.

He was silent for a few seconds as he brought himself to say it. "Brett and Liam," He said softly, defeatedly, and Jordan's jaw dropped. "They didn't know what they were doing, but fuck, it really hurt."

"I'm so sorry," Tracy whispered. "Do you want to meet up and talk about this?"

Theo sighed. "...No. I just...I kind of want to be alone right now."

Jordan watched as he went back inside the house, but didn't follow.

_

Brett was annoying him.

Theo couldn't leave his room without wanting to punch something or someone, particularly the tall boy who was always seemingly around. The worst part of it all was that Brett had no idea. All Theo wanted to do at the very least yell at him for sleeping with Liam, because friends didn't do that to each other. Not that Brett would even understand what it felt like to be in love.

"So, how have things been going with Tracy?" He asked him occasionally, this time while he was sitting in the living room with him. He flipped through channels so fast that Theo itched to take the remote away and turn the whole thing off. "I haven't seen you and her around here in awhile."

"We're fine," Theo grit out, his fingers curling against his thigh where Brett couldn't see. "We've been hanging around at her place, for the most part."

"Oh, nice," Brett commended, raising his hand for a high-five that Theo begrudgingly returned. "Any sorority girls around there that you could send my way?"

"No," Theo said flatly, looking back at the quick-shifting TV screen. Brett shrugged it off, but not without a weird look first. The flashing colors made his eyes hurt until he finally got up from the couch and left. "I'm going out."

"Don't get killed," Brett called jokingly, not taking his eyes away from the screen as he switched through more channels.

Theo let the cold air fill his lungs. It was almost Christmastime, almost time to go back to his own place, which he couldn't wait for. As musty as it might be, Christmas away from the college was good by him. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his army-green jacket and sighed, looking around.

As of late, a few weeks after Liam and Brett happened, Theo was feeling more and more alone. Tracy had come to him one night with a new conversation in her texts, ones from her ex-girlfriend that made it seem like they were trying to mend things. Their fake relationship was cracking by the day, and her smile was nice to look at, but it made his heart ache. He used to be that way.

Part of him was happy for her, getting back together with Hayden, or at least trying to. She talked about her carefully, like she was trying her best not to hurt his feelings, but he told her to just let loose. He couldn't really care if his feelings got any more hurt at that point, because no matter what, his nerves felt fried and his heart cold and raw. The other portion of his mind was feeling sorry for himself.

He looked for other people as he walked to his classes, and sometimes he even got to talking with some of them, but none of them ever compared to Liam. He clenched his jaw a little tighter and drove his fists into his jacket further, feeling utterly weak.

He wondered if he'd ever start to feel normal again like Liam probably had a long time ago.

His feet took him to the cafe again, and though it was much too cold for a summer smoothie, he went in anyway and ordered a hot chocolate with a shot of espresso to give himself a little rush. He warmed up his numb hands on a paper coffee cup, standing in the nice heat of the cafe for a few seconds before going back outside.

Someone dropped one of their textbooks and Theo looked up out of instinct, but when he saw who dropped it, his fight-or-flight response leaned far to flight and he left the cafe. He didn't know about the startled and pained look that Liam had on his face, since he was too busy walking back to his house.

Sooner or later he was going to get a lock on his door and never come out, which was the only thing he could promise himself that time. Not just a doorknob lock like he already had, a big padlock on the outside so he could get Josh to lock him in without temptation of going back out and hurting himself all over again. 

He wished it would all just stop.

If the numbness could let up, it would be any day now.

Any day.

__

"_What_ is your _damage?"  
_

Brett was standing up over the coffee table in the living room, all of the other guys gathered around sitting down while Brett stood. His eyes were full of disdain as he stared down his nose at Theo, whose fingers twitched as he held onto his seat. "You've been giving me bullshit all this month, so get the fuck up and tell me what it is!"

"Brett, you're drunk, stop," Nolan pleaded, pulling on Brett's sleeve in an attempt to get him to sit down, but not before Theo rose to his feet.

If anyone was drunk, it was Theo. He held his bottle in his hand as he jabbed his finger into Brett's chest. "I'll tell you what the fuck is the matter," He hissed. "You've been nothing but an insensitive little bitch since I broke up with Leah," He slurred. Jordan grabbed onto his arm, but Theo shook him off. "So much that you even slept with her."

Brett scoffed. "Believe me, Theo, I may be a slut, but I at least keep track of who I'm fucking. There was no Leah."

Theo tossed back his head and laughed at the ceiling, feeling dizzy and not quite there as anger and alcohol coursed through him. "That's because there was no Leah. Leah...Leah was a Liam!"

Brett's eyes flashed with surprise and his stance faltered as he realized. The other guys all looked at each other with wide eyes and mouths shut tight in fear of being the next one getting the third degree. "You fucked him, I know you did, and then he walked out of here because you tossed him out like the condom you didn't use, and you know what? He deserves so much better," He emphasized, spacing out the last three words. "I loved him, and you were just another guy at a party!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but I don't understand how I did anything wrong!" Brett shouted above him. Theo tossed his bottle down on the floor, which rolled until it hit a wall with an ignored clink.

"You called him crazy. You knew that that was why we broke up and you did it anyway! Do you know how fucking badly that hurts me?"

Brett turned away. "No, you look at me in the face when I'm talking to you, you fucking piece of-"

Theo was interrupted by a crack and Jordan gasping before he registered the pain in his mouth Josh and Jordan lowered him to the floor, and he pulled his own hand away from his face, slick with blood. "Motherf-"

"Fuck," Brett whispered, his eyes widening at the sight of his own clenched fist. "Shit, Theo, I'm so sorry-"

"Get away from me!" Theo yelled out, muffled by the hand he had pressed over his lips. His bottom one was split down the middle and he had bitten down on his tongue hard at the impact, but there were no broken teeth. Brett nodded almost frantically and ran off, Nolan and Corey watching as he went, debating. They chose to stay.

The next morning, Theo eyed the slit on his lip and couldn't even feel mad. His head was still swimming from the alcohol, and he vaguely remembered the look of pure fear and regret that Brett had on his face after he punched him. Theo never thought he would be the one sorry when he was the one who got punched, but there he was.

He leaned against the white sink and rubbed a finger over his stinging lip, wincing. It had gone too far.

He nervously crept into Brett's room and knocked on the wall. Brett looked up at him and immediately got up, wrapping him in a hug. "Dude, I'm so sorry I hit you," He groaned, Theo's eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "I shouldn't have done that."

"No, it's..." Theo trailed. "I'm the one here to apologize, not you. I was out of line. It wasn't your fault you and Liam...yeah. But I guess a split lip isn't the worst thing. It kind of made me realize that this whole drinking thing is going too far for me. I'm stopping." He said it with conviction, nodding to himself, knowing then that he wouldn't be breaking his promise. Brett smiled softly and rested one of his hands on Theo's shoulder.

"That's good, T. That's good, but...Liam and I didn't have sex."

Theo's eyes shot up from the floor to Brett, and he must have looked aghast, because Brett's mouth quirked up in a small smirk. "It was kind of weird. He left pretty soon after we started, said he couldn't do it. I didn't know that he was your ex, but I guess...I guess it makes sense."

Theo looked back down at the floor and his heart swelled a little. "You didn't?"

"Nope," Brett clarified. "And really, I'm glad. I would feel, like, a thousand percent worse about this whole thing if I did actually have sex with him. He did seem like a nice guy though. I can see why you loved him."

Theo smiled sadly. "Yeah," He said quietly. _Not really past-tense._ He left that part out. "Um...thanks? I guess?"

Brett laughed. "You're welcome, or something. If you ever want to talk about it, you can come to me. I'll try not to be too much of a dick about it."

"Brett being self-aware? I never thought I'd see the day," Theo gasped, pressing a hand over his heart and letting himself laugh along with him. "Have a good break, Brett."

__

Theo spent Christmas with his aunt and uncle, who hadn't been expecting to have their twenty-one year old nephew in search of a dry holiday, but they weren't complaining. He sat back for awhile and thought, pleasantly surprised to find that the throbbing pain he felt all over was more of an ache or a hum, getting better with each day he was back in his old house.

It still hurt a lot, but Theo was slowly but surely getting better. He wondered what Liam was doing all the time, and debated calling or texting him whenever something happened. He never did, but he planned to one day. One day, he'd be ready, and hopefully Liam would be too.

He came back to school feeling a little bit fresher and rejuvenated from his break, and Tracy was the same. She came back with Hayden, since the two of them had happily gotten past their differences (there had been a major misunderstanding about one of Tracy's friends, and Hayden had apparently thought Tracy was cheating on her) and Theo found that he was happy for them. He liked Hayden, she had an attitude that he could admire, and it turned out that she was in a couple of his courses. They sat next to each other when they could.

That didn't mean that their friendship was over, or anything. Once classes started back up, they still hung out, the only difference being the seemingly visible glow Tracy emitted since she got back together with Hayden. It made Theo smile, seeing her so happy, and he started to realize that he could be allow himself to be happy without thinking about the past.

He still missed Liam like hell, though. It was a constant feeling like something was missing in his life, but Theo no longer spent sleepless nights crying and listening to Liam's old voicemails. He wasn't deleting his pictures, either, but he was in a good in-between point. Still in love, but he was starting to be able to distract himself with other things.

Over the break, he had met a guy named Michael through his uncles' work Christmas party, a tall twenty-three year old writer who was apparently very into polo shirts, who seemed nice enough. His number sat unused in his phone ever since he got back from break, never more than a couple of hi's or bad icebreaker jokes between them.

He was thinking about texting Michael one day in class while his professor talked on and on about a subject Theo had already studied, and Hayden watched him with amusement as his fingers hovered over the keyboard.

It took him until the last few minutes of class to try and type something out, and Hayden almost snorted. "Hey," was all he was meant to say, and he was about to click send when his throat ran dry.

_i miss you._

And that was all it took for Theo to fall apart all over again.

__

Eight letters and a period, all lowercase as if Liam had been typing something else out but couldn't think of what to say. Eight letters and a period, all lowercase, were the only thing Theo could think about until he was finally able to leave the lecture a minute later, until he hastily shoved his computer and water bottle into his bag before booking it out of there like someone was chasing him.

_Where are you?_

_Look up._

Of all the times Theo dropped his phone on the floor because of Liam, this was the best one by far. It was the slipping of glass and smooth plastic from his fingers as the entire world ceased to exist, as he looked around once before finally meeting the blue eyes he'd missed so dearly. "Liam-" he choked out, his voice somehow foreign to his own ears, and Liam stepped closer.

His patient steps were quickly forgotten the closer he got to Theo until he was just running, and he threw himself at Theo like he was trying to protect him from a bullet. 

If the "i miss you text" didn't positively break Theo, this did. He tossed his bookbag down on the floor, expensive laptop be damned, and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy just as hard if not harder than Liam was doing to him. He could feel the wetness of Liam's eyes seep through his shirt, and they both took shaky and uneven breaths. "Jesus, Theo, I-" Liam gasped out, pulling away but keeping his hands on Theo's sides. "I missed you so much. I-I don't know what I was thinking-" Liam stuttered in the way Theo was all too familiar with, and he knew from experience how to stop it.

He cupped Liam's cheeks with both of his hands and the blue-eyed boy he loved so much closed his eyes, tossing his arms around Theo's neck instead as he finally kissed him. It was sweet like the peppermint candies Liam always ate and a little salty from the tears they both had falling, but it was them, and it was perfect. Theo kissed him like it was the last time he'd ever see him, again and again until they were both breathless and "I got your voicemail too late," Liam admitted when they pulled apart, and for a second, Theo forgot what he was talking about in awe of what just happened. "I got it this morning, I don't know why I didn't check it before-"

"It's okay," Theo whispered, looking from one of Liam's eyes to the other. "It's okay, it's okay, but Liam...I'm just..."

Liam hugged him tightly, his chin hooking over Theo's shoulder and coming to stand on his tiptoes. "It's alright now, I promise," He assured, sniffling. "I've had time to think, I've had a lot of time to think, and I just want to get back to what we had."

Theo melted. "God, me too, you have no idea."

Liam kissed him on the cheek and smiled tearfully. "I don't know. I think I might have some."

Hand in hand, they walked back to Liam's place, one that felt like home to Theo. "So, tell me everything that's happened in the last eight months."

And on that February day, Theo could finally talk about what happened while Liam was gone. He told him about Tracy, which Liam laughed at the same cute way he always did, and how they would pretend to date while she tried to get Hayden back and Theo had time to process. He told him about Brett and how he got punched in the mouth hard enough to bruise right before winter vacation, and Liam winced when it was necessary, shooting out a few "sorrys" as they went. He was especially excited to tell Liam about the drinking, how he hadn't had anything in almost three months, and to see the proud look on Liam's face was everything.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows from there. They had some trouble fitting each other back into their now adjusted routines, and it was always awkward when Liam came around Theo's house the first couple of times, but they were happy. Theo had that same glow that Tracy had, and he wouldn't trade it for anything. It was the best when they were in their own personal bubble, just enjoying each other's presence and thanking god that they got back to each other again.

When Liam met Tracy and Hayden, it was an immediate friendship between the four of them, Liam being the missing puzzle piece in more than just Theo's life. If it wasn't just the two of them, they were normally hanging out with the girls, who became some of Liam's best friends as well as Theo's. Eventually, Theo also met Mason, who, yes, was Corey's Mason, and they became fast friends even if they could get on each other's nerves a little bit. Theo's group of two changed to a group of five that just kept going.

"How are you feeling?" Liam asked him the morning after they joined back together, sitting down next to him on Liam's couch and linking their hands together. 

Theo had just smiled softly with shiny eyes, and for the first time in a long time he could honestly say what he felt. _"Perfect."_

**Author's Note:**

> Wooh, this was a long one. I really didn't mean to make that so long and so full of excessive angst, but I still hope you at least liked it a little bit anyway?  
Constructive criticism and comments are always welcome and appreciated, and I know I've been saying it a lot recently, but especially on this one, since I'm not too sure about it. 
> 
> Love you!!


End file.
